You know when you’re pulled over on the side of a cliff in South Australia and you’re sharing a cup of goon with a truck driver named Andy who’s also pulled over on the side of a cliff? You know, those days when it’s 2 AM and you’ve been driving for 9 hours straight just to get the hell out of the Outback? You’re tired. You’re hungry. You’re tired of being hungry and only eating variations of rice and pasta mixtures. What’s a girl to do? Obviously, you make a pizza.
But how? You’ve got a wobbly single burner, only one frying pan, and the cooking skills of someone who has to Google ‘how to boil cauliflower.’ Believe it or not, the bragging rights to say you cooked a pizza on a single burner while living out of a van on the side of a cliff with Truck Driver Andy is just a cup of self rising flour away.
1 cup self-rising flour
½ cup hot water
Whatever toppings are begging for your attention
Turn your burner on medium heat. Grab your one frying pan.
Put a little bit of oil in the pan and throw in whatever toppings you’ve chosen. We did mushrooms, garlic, onion, and yellow pepper (or ‘capsicum’ for you Aussies out there). Either way, whatever you decide will taste best on your pizza, you need to cook them beforehand. Once the toppings are cooked thoroughly, get them out of the pan and set aside.
Grab a sauce pan. Heat ½ cup of water until boiling. In the meantime, put the flour in a bowl. Once the water is hot, pour it in with the flour. Drizzle some olive oil in there. Maybe a pinch of salt. Maybe a dash of onion powder. Fuck it. It’s your pizza.
Now, with your palms powdered up with flour, knead that wet, mushy, gooey concoction until your hands have never felt more violated. Keep adding flour little bit by little bit until you can roll it into a ball.
Next, put it on a counter and roll it flat with a rolling pin. Ha! Just kidding. Like you have a rolling pin. And you may possibly not even have a counter. Pretty much, just flatten it with your hand and try to make it somewhat round on whatever flat surface you can find that isn’t the ground. Throw it up in the air if you want to seem fancy like the guys from Dominos. (But don’t drop it. You’ll embarrass yourself in front of Andy.)
Once it’s flat and seems durable enough to transport to the frying pan, do just that. Just make sure that pan is oiled up, baby!
Here’s the part when you start to question if this was a terrible idea or not. The dough is going to start bubbling and acting like it’s giving birth to an alien baby. With whatever tools you have (spatula if you’re lucky, fork, spoon, whatever), keep an eye on the bottom of the crust. Let it cook on high for about 3 to 4 minutes until it’s getting slightly crispy.
Next, get saucy with it! Spread whatever you want (pizza sauce, tomato sauce, alfredo sauce, crushed tomatoes mixed with water, barbecue sauce, Sriracha...seriously, whatever you want as long as it’s wet, thick, and flavorful) on the dough.
Throw some cheese on there (shredded is best). Toss those pre-cooked toppings you already forgot about on the cheese and cook until the cheese is melted. Just keep checking the bottom of the crust to make sure it’s not getting black. But if it does burn, eat it anyway because let’s be honest - you’re not going through all of this again tonight.
Fancy? Top it with basil at the last second. Gobble up with another glass of goon.