Don’t get me wrong — I’m all about the lifestyle of hairy legs, unwashed hair, and dirty fingernails. No one should ever feel like they have to do anything special to their looks to make the rest of the world happy — especially when living in a van driving down the coast of Australia for two months. And if anyone — and I mean anyone — ever tries to convince you otherwise, pull over and leave that person's ass on the side of the road with no baby wipes, capiche?
But for those wanting to opt out of smelling au naturel, here are some tips on surviving the not-so-perky side of living in a musty Mitsubishi Express.
Invest in some dry shampoo. Now.
Dry shampoo is like that best friend who always has your back but sometimes leaves residue in your hair — you know the type. That being said, when it’s been five days since your last shower and your hair is beginning to look like a bog monster’s stringy toe mop, you may want to consider buying a bulk of dry shampoo. However, don't think that just because your hair feels and looks a little fresher that your body is also rocking good hygiene vibes. Seriously, you still stink. Which brings me to my arguably most important point...
Stock up on baby wipes like you’re about to birth quints.
Don't ever underestimate the power of baby wipes on the adult butt.
Get to know the tampons wherever you are in the world.
Because you don't want to find yourself having to ask the woman in the stall next to you what the hell you're supposed to do with the terrifyingly tiny piece of cotton with no plastic applicator maliciously sitting in the palm of your hand.
Be careful with that hose you're about to wash off with.
In other words, make sure it's not the hose that hooks up to the sewage.
If flies follow you into a Wooly's, you may want to make buying soap a priority over Tim Tams.
Or, y’know, just buy more baby wipes.
Riding on a rickety stationary bicycle to wash your clothes benefits your hygiene as well as your butt.
Clean clothes and a nice ass? What more could you want?
But if you don’t have a rickety stationary bicycle, a bucket with a lid and some soapy water will do.
And a bumpy dirt road to shake it all up.
Make friends with an old guy named Graham for his solar shower.
Not only will he give you some coffee and talk about his intense love for Willie Nelson and prawn pies, but he’ll also offer you his plastic jug to wash off with. This is partially a magic trick as you can now watch that tan you thought you had earned in the past week wash off in 17 seconds.
Whatever the circumstance is, take that freakin’ shower.
Painfully cold beach showers where you have to press the button every five seconds to keep the water spraying? Take one anyway. Outdoor showers with signs that read 'BE CAREFUL - BIG BROWN SNAKE COMES TO DRINK AT SHOWER RECESS!!!' Take one anyway. Wanting to keep your fake tan that's actually three layers of dirt from spending two weeks in the Outback? Absolutely take one anyway.
And lastly, but most importantly, do whatever makes you comfortable.
Whether you insist on fumbling with makeup while bouncing up and down on a dirt road while the van swerves to avoid kangaroos, or you’re content with spending your 24th birthday with messy hair, oily skin, and prickly legs while eating ice cream for breakfast, do whatever makes you comfortable. Just be sure to rock it.