Disclaimer: The below is 100% true.
4 AM - You're denied entry on the bus for giving a "look."
You know who enjoys themselves before waking up at 5 in the morning? Fucking sadists. So naturally, tensions at this hour are going to be high with anyone you come in contact with. But when the guy who’s supposed to be directing traffic outside the bus station is looking at his phone instead of directing the spaghetti junction of Atlantean drivers and starts yelling at you because you stopped to ask where to park, just roll with it. If you decide to give him a “you serious right now, bro?” look, just keep in mind that the traffic director can and will tell the bus driver to deny you entry on the bus, leading you into a downward spiral to the Megabus Vortex of Hell.
Proceed with caution.
5:21 AM - You buy another bus ticket.
Because you can’t let a little mishap ruin your entire trip, even if the ticket price has now gone up 400% since you first bought them.
6:08 AM - You get hit on by a toothless 60-year-old man in spandex and suspenders while waiting for a Megabus egg sandwich.
Meanwhile, the woman in front of you hits a little asshole kid with a Diet Coke can for cutting in line, distracting the man in the spandex for a brief moment until he says “I didn’t know Miss America could eat bird babies” while you take a bite of burnt egg and stale bagel.
7:56 AM - There is no coffee.
Interchangeably, there is no God.
8:44 AM - Your bus, which was supposed to leave at 9, is now delayed to 11:20.
You take back what you said about there being no God just to ask him why he’s being such a dick.
9:01 AM - Spandex guy boards his bus after winking at you.
*ponders what might have been while watching the bus drive off into the distance*
10:37 AM - A three-year-old child throws up on the floor in front of you.
11:23 PM - You finally board the bus.
Welcome to fucking hell.
12:04 PM - The safety video has now been playing on a continuous loop for 45 minutes.
12:32 PM - It's still playing.
1:18 PM - Still fucking playing.
1:47 PM - “If you must exit the vehicle during an emergency, find a safe place to sit or stand outside.”
The bus driver blatantly ignores all complaints to turn the video off, confirming what you’ve thought the whole time - she’s actually a reptilian overlord living in a soul-less meat suit with a plan to drive us all straight to her lair of torture devices and reptilian sex toys.
2:02 PM - The video finally turns off.
But its subliminal messages of a New Reptilian World Order are forever engraved in your brain.
2:41 PM - You begin to marinate in your own sweat.
Not that the A/C was ever blowing at full force, but now the vents aren’t giving you anything. You overhear someone complain to the bus driver who apathetically tells him to not cross the yellow line and to sit back down.
2:42 PM - You Google if reptilians get stronger in the heat.
No search results.
3:18 PM - The rain destroys everyone’s electronics.
But at least now you know that the roof leaks, right?
4:48 PM - Your bus driver has a heat stroke.
5:11 PM - Your bus driver is taken away on an ambulance.
You and the rest of your sweat soaked, pissed off Megabus comrades with destroyed electrical devices are now left standing on the side of the highway in the middle of bumfuck Alabama.
6:32 PM - Help arrives.
And by help, I mean two Megabus employees with braces who chat about How I Met Your Mother while everyone else is forced to crawl under the ungodly muggy bus to gather their shit.
6:47 PM - You’re told to get back on the hot bus.
Cue the instant outrage, yelling, and lawsuit threats while people literally stomp their feet in protest.
6:48 PM - Everyone is promised pizza if they get on the bus.
6:49 PM - Everyone gets on the bus.
6:58 PM - Two smaller buses arrive.
No sign of pizza.
7:12 PM - You’re on the road again.
Your new seat mate is a 'Truther.' He, too, thinks Megabus is run by reptilian overlords.
8:34 PM - You come to terms with the fact that there isn’t - and never was - any pizza.
Goddamn brace-faced liars.
9:48 PM - You try and pinpoint the exact moment where you went wrong to deserve this.
“Was it the look? It was the fucking look, wasn’t it?”
10:02 PM - The bus stops at a gas station Arby’s.
C’mon. As if you can’t tell that a roast beef sandwich isn’t a pizza.
11:43 PM to 3:56 AM - You finally doze off.
Bonus points if you wake up and the Truther tells you that you sleep like his dead grandmother who owes him money.
4 AM - You arrive.
And whether or not you feel tainted by the negativity of traffic directors, the winks of spandex dudes in suspenders, three hours of safety precautions, soaking in a pool of your own sweat, getting violently rained on, discovering the secrets of reptilian overlords, not eating pizza, and realizing that the planes on 9/11 were actually holograms, you did what many of us lack the courage to do: survive the Megabus Vortex of Hell.