“ONE OF THE 25 WONDERS OF THE WORLD.”

Do you know what else made the list? The rainforest in Borneo. The Great Rift Valley in East Africa. The Cave of Crystals in Mexico. Have you even seen a photograph of the Cave of Crystals? It looks like something straight out of the goddamn NeverEnding Story or Pan’s Labyrinth. Do you know what the Blue Lagoon is? A man-made swimming pool. You know what else is man-made? Astroturf.

Equally as fascinating.

“Surrounded with amazing nature, the Blue Lagoon is an oasis of relaxation.”

This one is pretty true, but only if “amazing nature” means construction cranes and “oasis of relaxation” means wiping sweat off your algae-smeared forehead and thinking, “Hm, was this plastic cup of warm red wine worth the $10?”

It wasn’t.

“Originated from natural sources, over 2,000 meters below the earth’s surface, Blue Lagoon’s ingredients have been used to develop a unique line of skin care products.”

Skin care products so on point that they dramatically reverse the aging process of your face back to the days of puberty and zit popping. So cool.

“Availability is limited, so make sure you book your tickets in advance.”

That way, you’re not in total shock when you find yourself forking up an extra $17 for a towel, a face mask, and a miniscule amount of “complimentary” wine.

“There are separate changing rooms for men and women. They are modern and spacious, with private lockers for your clothes and other belongings.”

Just a heads up -- the lockers will randomly open, prompting a staff member to slap a “SEE STAFF” sticker on your own personal space like you threw a spitball at the new kid in front of you and now you’re being called to the principal’s office over the intercom for the entire fucking school to hear.

Accuse me of leaving the locker open all you want, lady, but I DIDN’T DO IT.

“Make your visit truly special with an overnight stay at the hotel.”

$400 for a single room? Kiss my algae-covered ass. 


What Shannon’s trying to say here (and by “trying to say,” I mean being absolutely 100% on the money, regardless of whether she left her locker open or not) is that the Blue Lagoon is a grand total of one of the things it claims to be: blue. It’s not even a lagoon: It’s a well-constructed swimming pool attached to a modern-day looking spa that didn’t even attempt to camouflage itself in the same hues of the beautiful scenery it totally and completely disrupts, yet claims to be a part of.

It’s everything that’s wrong with travel.

So those pictures you see of your friends looking super gorge and sexy at the Blue Lagoon? Don’t be jealous. Unless they’re vapid, ego-obsessed alcoholics who enjoy anything with a glass of $10 wine in hand and getting lots of likes on their IG accounts -- well, in that case, get new friends. You’d be far better off going to the Secret Lagoon or any other of Iceland’s many non-commercialized hot springs that won’t steal your $100 and try to steal your soul.

Final rating? Complete suckfest. Skip it. The highlight will be the bus ride back.

 

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