Shannon and I have been writing on the Internet for a bit, and, as such, we've dealt with some people who love sipping on Haterade. Instead of just plain ignoring them, we've decided to deal with them in the most fruitful way possible: publicly.
In order to get amped up for this hate parade, let's start with a few inspirational quotes:
"Don't try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer."
“Be so good they can't ignore you.”
"If you're hating, you're either bored, lonely, broke, or all fucking three."
Now let's get started.
“Are you even FROM Iowa?”
Response: “Oh, WHOOPS. YOU CAUGHT ME. I just decided to write about this random-ass corn state I know nothing about and that no one really pays attention to just to see if someone as astute as you would catch me. Yay! My belief in humanity is restored!”
“You said you’re “nearly 5’11” and “normal-sized.” FIVE ELEVEN ISN’T NORMAL SIZED, YOU FREAK.”
Response: “Umm. I was referring to my weight. 5’11’’ and not skinny, not fat. Good to know you’re a 5’4” male, though. How’s that working out for you?”
“Ugh, this writer was clearly in Vietnam for two weeks and think she knows everything. Gross."
Response: “Two weeks, two and a half years, that’s basically the same if you don’t count Mondays through Saturdays, so I see where you messed up there.”
“She has NEVER had to work hard for anything. So she will NEVER see someone who HAS to work and understand them. Trash person with a trash job. In five years she won't know what to do with herself. Then she'll write all about the horrible decisions she thinks others should make in their 30s.”
Response: “I’m writing this listicle for $40 and you think I’m entitled? Tell me more.”
“This author is completely out of touch with anything outside of Des Moines it seems.”
Response: “Des Moines. They have a mall there, right? And that cheeseburger made out of mac n’ cheese? Does that answer your gross presumption?”
“I’m a mom and I find this RIDICULOUSLY OFFENSIVE. I travel with my kids and show them the world — I am not the kind that just sits down and lets life pass me by for me and my kids. That’s not how moms WORK.”
Response: “Uhh...the title of this piece was called “Travelling with a bunch of moms.” So...it should be safe to assume that I’m travelling...with these moms...who are also travelling…. But thanks for stopping by!”
“So do you enjoy your time in Vietnam? Cause if not then you can go back to where you come from, we are not that welcome any more sarcasm. We have enough!!!”
Response: “I’m truly sorry you’re not a fan of sarcasm, but I am glad to know that you at least can recognize it — I can’t say that for many of our peers. If you want to be meaner next time, I can think of few people to refer you to. Cough.”
In response to my satirical article on why music lovers should stay away from Nashville: “Fixed that for you: “10 reasons why PRETENTIOUS music lovers should stay away from Nashville.” You’re welcome.”
Response: “Wow, thanks dickwad! Too bad neither of us are getting paid for our opinions, though. Oh wait…”
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS HIPSTER B.S.”
Response: “ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. *sips PBR while brushing American Spirit tobacco off my $74 flannel from Urban Outfitters*”
“Elvis is from Tupelo, MS… Y’all can’t take credit for him. Sorry lol”
Actual response from someone else: “Born in Mississippi moved and raised in Memphis, Tn Resided & Buried in Tennessee so yes I think we Can.......Kentucky Illinois and Indianan all Claim Lincoln so we will be more than happy to include Tupelo in his life Story since the truth with stand when this old world falls to its knees” [sic]
Response: “What he said.”
“Funny, I thought after reading that, a pretentious woman must of wrote this. Then I looked at the author’s name.”
Response: “Don’t you mean “must have” instead of “must of”? Oh, I’m sorry — I wasn’t being too pretentious, was I?”
“Shannon Dell is a dolt. Who cares who knows where any of these [places] are.”
Response: “A dolt? Did you really just call me a dolt? Touché, good sir.”
“America wouldn’t be what it is today if it wasn’t for my city!!!! Say what you like everybody has an opinion. If you’re hating the we(SAVANNAH, GA) doing something right!!!! #SAVANNAHlovesitsHATERS #youMADorNAH”
“My uncle has nothing but love for Roosevelt dropping that bomb.”
Response: “Well, I’m going to go on and assume you’re talking about Truman. I’m also going to go on and assume your uncle is the type to say “Some global warming, huh?” when it spits snow in Winter after two weeks of constant temperatures in the 80s. Oh, and I’m assuming he’s voting for Trump.”
“As for someone who has lived in Savannah during their twenties. I have to say this is beyond stupid. You really missed the mark if this is how you live or lived in Savannah. How about trying other activities or places, rather than “drugs” and drinking and explore what this great city has to offer.”
Actual response from someone else: “Hey "Nameless!" I bet you had no "friends" in your 20's. You nerd.”
Response: *mic drop*
If you would like to join in the hate parade, please send all snide and/or condescending comments with an image and/or GIF attached. It'll make it easier for us to reuse them for our benefit in the future.
In the meantime, potatoes gonna potate.