Whose mustache is better, Shannon's or Teddy's?

Whose mustache is better, Shannon's or Teddy's?

Your college friends were all drunk anyway. If we could reverse things and have those breweries be your drunk college friends, who would own the Rastafarian poster and who's the one stealing all your ramen?


1. Monday Night Brewing - Atlanta, Georgia
The Former God Squad (Who Now Loves Getting Sloshed)

Monday Night was that kid from your old Bible study who just discovered how awesome it is being drunk about five years after everyone else did. Know who I'm talking about? They were the ones shoving a mason jar of hops under your nose and talking about the superiority of beer over the Bible while drunkenly playing shuffleboard. They also collected ties, found irony in mustaches, soaked veggie dogs in veggie broth, and thought that weekends are totally overrated. Plus they brewed a mean serrano pepper beer.

Yeah, I'm talking about them.

 

2. Catawba Brewing Co. - Morganton, North Carolina
Your Stereotypical Hipster

So. Much. Fucking. Flannel.

 

3. Orpheus Brewing - Atlanta, Georgia
The Troubled Artist Living Off Their Parents

Orpheus was that misunderstood trust fund baby who arrived at college and immediately started rejecting wealth and conventionalism by doodling intricate designs on the backs of notebooks during class because “what even is science?” They named said doodles things like “Transmigration of Souls”, “Serpent Bite”, or “Life, Death, Life, Truth” as reflections of them never looking back after hearing the words ‘artisanal’ and ‘saison’ - even if they still swipe their parents’ credit cards for 'art supplies' three years out of college.

 

4. Straight to Ale - Huntsville, Alabama
The Burnout with Fine Taste in Music, Film, and Acid

Straight to Ale’s apartment pretty much guaranteed a perpetual sci-fi film marathon muted to Dark Side of the Moon or Sgt. Pepper’s. They’d try to play it cool, but c’mon. Have you seen their labels? They were totally tripping balls.

 

5. River Rat Brewery - Columbia, South Carolina
The Dude Who Still Wears JNCOs and Cries When He Gets Drunk

If you ever needed to know where River Rat was lurking, they were bound to be sitting on the steps of any campus building rallying for the return of JNCO Jeans and Reebok Pumps. And while you always pretended you thought their love for Korn was way past excessive, you secretly found their grungy hair reeking with river water to be sexy as hell.

But, of course, they were more interested in boning Orpheus. Lame.



6. Honky Tonk Brewery - Nashville, Tennessee
The Redneck Who Bleeds Red, White, Blue, and Reagan

Goddamn ‘murica.

 

7. Lazy Magnolia - Kiln, Mississippi
The One Who Gave You the Freshman 15

Lazy Magnolia was that person you could never tell was egregiously stoned or just really, really into pecan pie. Either way, they were the ones who always brought something sweet to the party, which would usually result in amplifying your hangover to the umpteenth degree. But dammit if those Southern Pecan ales don’t make your tongue glad to be from Mississippi.

 

8. Yazoo - Nashville, Tennessee
The Charming-But-Drunk Guitar-Playing Cowboy

Yazoo was the guy with the cowboy hat, leather boots, flashy white grin, and Southern drawl that could slap your grandma silly. Their only downfall was the fact that, while they were friendly, hospitable, and didn't believe in women pumping their own gas, they more than likely* had a Toby Keith poster taped to their bathroom door.

*absolutely

 

9. Wicked Weed - Asheville, North Carolina
The Conspiracist

Wicked Weed always seemed a little off, but you hung around just for their nonconformist ideologies and historical quotations at parties for the hell of it. But all of a sudden, they stopped coming around sometime in the middle of sophomore year. While some say they're living in a tree house searching for the healing powers of faeries and elves, the general consensus is that they’re actually trying to spread their conspiracy theories by driving for Uber. But let's be real - they're most likely doing both.

 

10. Moccasin Bend Brewing Co. - Chattanooga, Tennessee
Your Dealer for Four Years Who You'll Never See Again

MBBC, the best bud of Wicked Weed, was the one who lived in a forested shack in an otherwise open and populated neighborhood. You were never really sure if they were actually enrolled in school or not, but, to put it bluntly, they were your best hookup for weed. From the foosball table to the Christmas lights strung up all year to shedding dogs sprawled out on the floor, spending time there was always a solid mixture of asking yourself “What the fuck am I doing here?” and “Goddamn, I love this place.”

But, like any good weed dealer, their whereabouts are now unknown. Come back, MBBC. We miss your services.

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